7 Tips For Being A Friend to Someone Living with Dementia
My mom’s favorite catch phrase for about 3 years was : It is just us hens over here. Sometimes hearing this made me laugh and other times it made me roll my eyes since I heard it about 100 times already that day. Right on cue she would say this if she was surrounded with more than two other women. Really it was sweet since she was recognizing the power of girl friends.
Mom was a woman who thrived as a social butterfly, always the one to strike up a conversation and make soulful connections in a matter of minutes. She was your friend and the first person to turn to when in need. She is a good friend to all.
When some of the difficult behaviors of my mom’s dementia started I could not help but to notice that it appeared that her friends had left her high and dry. Her fickle friends fizzled out and who stood by her were her true soul sisters. Her oldest and truest friends remained as a support to our family. I am so grateful that they have continued to love her. But her fair weather friends better hope they never run into me. I have many feelings that I would like to express to them but instead I will hand them a user guide to being a friend to someone living with dementia so they can do better next time.
Check your baggage at the door:
You are not going to contract dementia from your friend. What you are seeing is not your future. Set your fears and insecurities aside when you meet with your friend.
You can’t change her:
Seeing your smiling face is not going to trigger her memory to come back. No matter how significant your relationship was she won’t be able to recall the way you do. Don’t be offended by this. You are important to her. She may not be able to recollect the way you want her to, but she can feel you in the present moment.
Avoid the memory game
You can stroll down memory lane with her, but don’t ask her to remember too. I always introduce myself and never expect my name to be recalled. Saying do you remember me is just an invitation to an awkward exchange. Save your breath and energy for something more constructive.
Bring a gift
Always bring a hostess gift. This is the magic tool that opens you to a very nice exchange. You know your friend. Bring her favorite treat to eat, a magazine to peruse together, or some pictures to help cue conversation. Let her know that she is loved and important.
Hit the road
Sometimes visits are the best when you are moving or heading somewhere. A walk around town or on the beach is so perfect. The movement, the oxygen, and the change of scenery is so wonderful for everyone involved. If you and your friend had a favorite place try and go there.
Let it be
Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your friend, but she doesn't need to be a part of that process. You need to be the bravest friend and love her as she is and expect nothing from her in return. It is lonely. But once you shed the grief and refocus on who your friend has become it gets better.
Be present in her current reality
You might find your friend time travelling. In her mind she may be waiting for her dad to come home from work. It is weird when you are an outsider to her reality, but you will have a more successful visit if you play along. It is hard to explain how their reality works at that moment, but by giving your friend friendly cues that her dad won’t be home until later is a lot easier than convincing her that her reality is wrong. Never argue that she is wrong. Have compassion to the anguish she feels every time she is told what she knows to be true is wrong. A quick acknowledgment of her concerns and then a subject change or a redirection will get you back on the task at hand.
Friendships only die by choice. Being a true friend to some one living with dementia is about love. Because social isolation becomes on the the most painful part of living with dementia. Remaining friends mean you must be brave and bold with your love for that person.
Deb Kroner is a dementia care specialist serving patients and their families. If you’re interested in talking with Deb about your loved one, please get in touch.