Yes...this is a reality of loving some one with dementia.
I stared at the cashier hoping he would read my telepathic message. My eyes seared into his with a desperation that could have burned the room up. Listen to my message: My mother can not help her behavior. At least two parts of her brain are dying at this very moment. Give us a break. Be a better human being right now. Nope. He did not get my message.
“I can see you, please pay for those items”. My mother stared right through the cashier and put the Big Red into her coat pocket. A “five finger sale” was not in progress, my mom was just being busy putting order to the chaos that was before her. She was putting things away. I took the gum out of her pocket and put it on the counter as she grabbed a package of lifesavers and put them in her other pocket. I could not stop the madness of the moment. The cashier looked at me and said “Do I need to call the police”?
With that threat I turned my back to my mother with the hopes that she would not hear my words. “ Clearly you can see that my mother is not right. She has dementia and cannot help her actions. Can you please work with me, here”. The cashier looked at me with shock. “ Uh, I am sorry, I didn’t realize that”.
I turned to my mom to see that she had opened a Snickers bar and was enjoying chewy caramel. I let out a burst of nervous laughter and just hugged her. I loved her so much at that moment.
She had behaved like a handsy toddler at the checkout line but I couldn't pick her up and carry her out of the store and smile knowingly at the cashier.
Being in public with an adult that appears normal but is acting inappropriate is awkward and uncomfortable for most everyone.
How do you educate the public about the behaviors of dementia as they are happening? How do you do it in front of the person that doesn't need to be reminded that they are the ones inflicted with dementia? It is hard!
Some people are compassionate and others are just clueless and harsh. There are a few Dementia Friendly establishments that are popping up. A sticker on the door indicates the people employed at the place have been trained to recognize the behaviors. Slowly and surely people living with dementia will be recognized and afforded the respect and patience they deserve. But until then...I am going to share some techniques to cope in public.
Front Load:
Call ahead to make reservations and inform the hostess of the situation. The only accommodation you are asking for is patience and compassion. This helps alleviate the stress of eating out with someone who might have forgotten about table manners.
Distractors:
When taking my mother grocery shopping, my step dad alway hands my mother a delicious red apple to work on as they shop. Brilliance on his part. I always make my mother hold my purse. Always have something you can pull out of your bag or pocket to distract from behaviors. Busy hands are happy hands!
Know your audience:
Obviously I am not going back to the store that threatened to call the police on me and my mom!! You must work to build relationships. Smile and watch the body language of employees of the places you frequent the most. I know all the kind cashiers and servers. That is where I go with my mom.
Let it go:
A person living with dementia is going to exhibit behaviors that are not socially acceptable. That person should never have to feel shame for something they can not control. I realized early on that a lot of my discomfort came from my ego. I worried how we were appearing to others.
Once I took my ego out of the equations and learned to shrug my shoulders, the outing became easier. Judgers are always going to judge and that can't be stopped.
Our job as care partners is to help our loved ones feel the freedom to interact in public as they normally would. It can become a joyful part of a routine once again.
Deb Kroner is a dementia care specialist serving patients and their families. If you’re interested in talking with Deb about your loved one, please get in touch.