" You are Absolutely Right... LOVE is the Answer".
I am struggling, feeling vulnerable, and at times helpless to the turns of today’s world. I know I am not alone. My heart is hurting so profoundly as I think of the senior population that I serve. I also am thinking of those who are at home caring for their loved one who is living with dementia. This morning I realized that I did have an answer to all the uncertainty we are confronting. Love is the answer.
When love is the foundation of all that you do there is always space for forgiveness. I have found that while in the role of care giving I have felt and overwhelming need to have all the answers and to always be in control of the situations at hand. But in the case of Covid 19, there are no firm answers. Who knows when people will be able to visit each other freely? Will there be a time when we can trust that someone is not carrying the virus? These answers are not available and that means that most people living with dementia are being forced to be in quarantine at home or in their memory care facilities. This is the “new normal” for the foreseeable future.
Within this reality, I am offering you a key to disarming frustrations and anger from the person living with dementia. The key is to say I am sorry. When a person is approached with an apology they have a choice to change the trajectory of the issue at hand. no Ego is allowed with this approach. In most cases an apology is often received with love and grace, The escalation of anger often dissipates when you use an apology to communicate.
I was trying to help:
After the explosion or misunderstanding has happened it is helpful to start a conversation with this. For example, “ I was trying to help by making you take a shower.” Being sincere with your tone is helpful too!
I made you angry:
Validating the emotions felt is very empowering for a person that feel like they have been wronged. They hear you. People living with dementia still have emotions and because of their overactive amygdala they are often in fight or flight mode Having the awareness of their emotional imbalance. But saying I made you angry gives the indication that you were in the wrong and are willing to make it right.
You are absolutely right:
This is you eating crow when you say this. But as I said earlier you MUST remove your EGO from interactions with someone living with dementia. Their reality is their truth. They can not change and it is your job to meet them where they are. “Mom, you are absolutely right, it is 1945 and we can’t have dinner until your dad is home. Let me make sure the table is set properly.” Your job is to help prevent her agitation. You can figure a way to distract her focus from her dad arriving. Like telling her that dad just called and said to go ahead and eat since he missed the train. Creating distraction or fibs to the truth are acceptable ways to cope with hard behaviors.
This is hard:
I have cried in my mother’s arms as I have worked to cope with her hard behaviors. I have shed tears of frustration and sadness in front of her. She may not know exactly why I am crying , but she did know how to console me as I was in need. We are all vulnerable and susceptible to breakdowns and this okay. I always observe the residents at the memory care facility that I work consoling each other. Compassion and nurturing never go away. Just by saying This is hard you take the stress of the moment away. Acknowledging the emotion in the moment will tone down the volatility and you may be able to just breath together for one moment.
When all we have left to give is love there is a humility of it being received. I wish you all strength, courage, and wisdom as you navigate though this “new normal”.
Deb Kroner is a dementia care specialist serving patients and their families. If you’re interested in talking with Deb about your loved one, please get in touch.